Love was a word that left a bitter taste in my mouth. I scoffed at the thought. For several years I remained single after my divorce and though I dated, each experience only solidified the lies that the enemy fed into my mind and I readily digested. Love didn't exist. Love wasn't real. If it was real, I didn't deserve it. Men were only interested in my body and since a body is all I saw myself to be that's what I focused on.
I trained relentlessly in 2013-14. I hired a coach and threw myself into powerlifting. If you're not familiar with the sport it essentially focuses on how much weight you can lift in three compound movements: the squat, deadlift and bench press. I was such a mess on the inside I became obsessed with making myself strong on the outside. During this time I was the healthiest physically I have ever been in my life. I was confident and the attention I was given fueled an unsavory lack of clothing and a harvest of selfies on my social media. On one hand I was riding the "I am woman, hear me roar" train and was proud that I was part of a movement that crushed stereotypes that women couldn't be as strong as men. Often I would be in the weight room lifting significantly more than my male counterparts. It felt good to be an athlete that crossed gender lines in a sport originally made for men. On top of that I never met a fellow male powerlifter that wasn't completely supportive of women in the sport. I was always treated as an equal at the powerlifting gym I trained at and was never made to feel less than. This wasn't a bad thing. I still love this about the sport. On the other hand, I was becoming too focused on myself. My boys would do their homework at the gym while I trained. My clothing got smaller, tighter and shorter and my head got bigger. The more attention I got the more I wanted. I was starving for it but no matter how much I was given it didn't satisfy. I was desperately trying to fill an emptiness and didn't even realize it at the time. So there I went, filling myself up with self love, occasional weekends of alcohol, superficial relationships, lies about love. Anything but God.
No, I couldn't go to Him. I was a mess. What would He want with me? I was okay with the idea of Him loving me as only He could, but from a distance.
In the later half of 2014 I felt a stirring within me. It took several months for me to fully understand what it was. I was exhausted. Keeping up with my training schedule was becoming too much of a sacrifice and I began to realize it was taking too much precious time away from my growing boys. Although my nutrition was great and I was taking care of my body in the gym, I wasn't getting near enough sleep and spending too many weekends out at nightclubs or parties drinking when the boys weren't home. Add to this a full time job and I was coming to the end of my energy supply. As I began to eliminate some of this grueling schedule that's when I began to feel a shift. Other things in my life began to happen and eventually my path changed. (You can read more about my full testimony and what would eventually be the catalyst to my complete transformation in my earlier post 'Breakthrough: My Testimony').
When I finally realized the vacancy in my soul belonged to God and not all the other things I was trying to shove in there a crazy thing happened. He started to chase me. Not in a weird, stalker after prey kind of way, but in the way a sincere and honorable man chases his beloved, the one who holds his heart in her hands.
He knows I love music. After all, he put that love in my heart when he made me. He knows I feel melodies and harmonies in the depths of my being. When I close my eyes I can see undulating waves of sound. I've done this since I was a little girl. For months before I finally surrendered to Him he would play Oceans by Hillsong United everywhere! I would go to a store, there it was. I would turn on Pandora, there it was. I would wake to a radio alarm, there it was. At first it didn't make sense. What was He trying to tell me? Later I would realize how those lyrics applied to my life.
I've always been amazed at sunsets/sunrises and a cotton candy sky. So many mornings and nights I would wake or drive home underneath the most beautiful skies. They were magnificent! I could feel His glory as I looked up at them. Song after song, sunset after sunset I began to realize He was after my heart. Like a groom gifting his bride with flowers and jewelry, here God was showing out with these over the top skies because He knew I loved them so. He made playlists of songs just for us and slowly my heart began to respond.
Sound crazy? What do you think a girl who thinks love doesn't exist thought about all this? I was in shock. ME ?! You did all this for me?? But I ignored you for years! I pushed you away! I idolized myself and many other things over You! There is literally a million other humans that have lived in less sin and are worthy of all this attention, why would You pick me to be Yours after all I've done??
But He did. And He still does. And He wants you too. Matter of fact, I bet He's chasing you right now. You know those things you notice in the mundane moments of life? Those things you really enjoy and marvel at, the ones that make you smile? That's Him. What does He want with you? Your heart. He wants you to be His. Not in a possessive controlling way but in the way that when life gets really hard(and it will if it isn't already, trust me) that you will lean into Him because He knows He's the only One that can help you through those valleys. He knows you're broken and all the things you've ever done and yet He wants to love you with an everlasting love. He wants to be for you everything this world and all it offers just cannot be. He wants to be your rest when you're exhausted. He wants to be the Father you never had. Beautiful girl, He wants to be the reason you don't have to wear that dress that shows every curve and incites fantasies in the men you meet so you feel worthy and captivating(I've been this girl, too). He wants to give you eyes that see because when you let Him love you, the world in all it's darkness becomes a brighter place under the light of His glory. He wants to overfill any empty spaces so you can go out and give that love to others who don't yet know that this Love exists. He's got a great plan for you and He's waiting to tell you all about it.
And here's the thing I wrestled with and finally had to realize, I couldn't believe in God and not believe in Love. Love exists. It always has. Love isn't the sum of your human experience either. Love has much less to do with how other humans have shown you love and everything to do with who God is. Don't let humans define your idea of Love. They will fail every time. And that's okay, because we're not built to carry the glory of what Love is. Let God carry the glory for that. He's really good at it and He will never falter under the heaviness of what Love requires sometimes.
My relationship with God today is so different than I ever imagined. I think I grew up with this idea that He was this big entity that I couldn't touch. Yet today we have a closeness I would have never expected. The longer I walk with Him the better I can discern His voice. Though the last few years of my life I've went through some tremendous hardship, He has been with me through it all and I know I wouldn't have survived it without Him. He has mended my wounds and been here to console my bruised and battered heart. He has reminded me that I am His and He is mine(lyrics from Oceans that are engraved in my heart from the start of all this).
I'll end this post with a song He gave to me a while ago. It's lyrics are powerful and when I listen to this I can feel His loving arms reminding me how in love He is and has always been with me. With all of us. We are the Bride and He is the relentless pursuer, the chaser of our hearts, the Groom we were made for. Let Him love you, friends.
Well, I don't know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you, and I always will
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you, and I always will
Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
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