I stood on the mountain, a chilly breeze blowing hair in my face. I'm quite sure my toes were numb but the excitement I felt inside was enough to warm me from my fingertips to the bottom of my feet. The sun had just began it's slow descent toward the tree tops and from where we stood the glow from the sky seemed to embrace us. Months later I would see the photos the photographers took that day and would notice the rays of light breaking through the clouds, like fingers reaching from the sky to touch us.
Several months before I climbed that mountain my Dad had asked me why I thought this time would be different. What made me think I was ready? He has always been good at encouraging me to think through big decisions before leaping from one thing to the next.
I had not always took his advice and thought things through. Worse, there were several decisions I had made in life apart from God and those decisions had led me to divorce and becoming a single parent. Even worse than that, my sin and walk apart from God had brought my children into a broken home and they deserved better. It's easy for me to blame other people, my own ignorance and all the chaos I allowed in my life at that time but ultimately, the demise of my first marriage is because I never really invited God into it. I wasn't interested in actually walking with Him in life and it actually never occurred to me to seek Him during the time I was struggling in keeping a covenant I made with Him. It's almost silly, really. I made a promise to God and another person and never thought to ask Him to be a part of it. That doesn't make sense, does it?
Brad and I began dating several years after the divorce but only a few weeks after I had surrendered my life to Jesus. I was this raw, new person and all I really knew at first was that I never wanted to leave Him again. I knew that my life would be a chase after Him from that point forward so when Brad came into my life I was both excited and scared. I have always been the kind of person who loves wholeheartedly. I didn't want new, exciting love to distract me from the journey I knew I was on with God. Several weeks into our relationship it was very clear that Bradley was a part of His plan to bring me closer to Him than I had ever been.
It's no accident that God chose marriage as a way to teach us to love like He does. And I really can't thing of something more profound and compelling than God blessing two people with each other and using their life together to demonstrate His own love for us.
Sometimes Bradley will bring me coffee while I'm working on Saturday mornings. In church he will reach for my hand and hold it while we sing worship songs together. On a few occasions he has bought home a bouquet of flowers for no reason other than I just like seeing and smelling them in our home.
Sometimes God will paint radiant pink and blue skies as I'm driving home and I know He knows it brings me joy. The moments I have spent staring at the ocean, in awe of it's power and vastness, is a reminder of His love. The sun that warms my skin and wakes me in the morning is a gift He gives and He knows I will ponder it. He knows I will relish it's warmth and be grateful.
It's those little things that you appreciate, maybe when you're on a walk or just driving home from work alone, that He gives us as if to say, "You see this? I did this for you. I painted this sky in your favorite color because I knew you'd like it."
There are times that Bradley hurts my feelings. He forgets a special event that meant a lot to me or he acts uninterested and gives short responses when I want a full-bodied conversation. There have been a few times I felt a lack of love at all. I imagine the feelings I feel during those times may be how God feels when I ignore Him and the skies he paints for me, when I focus more on things I want to do and less on spending time with Him in prayer. I bet that the One who died for me may be hurt to see me try to control life instead of trusting Him to lead me where He wants me to go. I'm sure it's hurtful when I don't listen to Him, when I don't consider Him in decisions I make or invite Him to the places I go.
And yet He gives me grace every time.
So we are called to do the same for each other. The moments I am feeling most hurt by Bradley because he's forgotten something, ignored a thing I said or just simply didn't consider me when I thought he should have, I remember God's grace that I am given in abundance. It's because of this abundance of grace and love that I have grace and love to give others, especially my husband.
I didn't have to die for Bradley. I am blessed to live life with him. Jesus died for me and yet I struggle to live life for him some days. I'm glad He knew it would be a struggle and decided to bless us with marriage to teach us grace and unconditional love.
Back to the mountain...
As we danced to the wind and the music that was only playing in our minds, I was thinking of that question my Dad had asked me. What was different? Was I ready?
I had invited God to the wedding that day and He showed up in all His glory as only He can. The clouds were lined with gold, the sky a brilliant blue, the air was crisp and the leaves fluttered in flashes of sienna and crimson on the trees. More than the invitation to the wedding, I've held tight to His hand throughout our marriage and hold fast to the promise that I will never let go. When the enemy attacks my marriage His words are my weapons. When I feel the desire to lash out when I've been hurt, I remember that God wants me to respond with grace. This is the difference. God won't bless what you don't invite Him to.
I finally knew what it meant to follow Him. To seek His will, to walk the path He made for me and not the one I created for myself. This is how I knew I was ready.
I knew that marriage would be a lot of mountain tops and valleys and that I would have to keep God the focus in both. I was ready to follow Him, I had accepted that marriage isn't about Brad and I, it's the way our loving Father teaches us to love like He has loved us all and putting that love on display to glorify Him. Unconditional love and grace. I truly can't think of a better wedding gift than that.
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