Circles and Oceans

Four years ago I sat in a chair at West Ridge Church for the first time with each of my boys by my side at the funeral of an amazing young man that had tragically passed away. His life had impacted many in just a short amount of time and due to the obedience of his spirit my life was one of those impacted. He exuded the love of Jesus and the Holy Spirit flowed from him. He was the first person in many years that I had came in contact with that reminded me what the Holy Spirit felt like and stirred in me a longing for Jesus that I had not felt in a very long time. 

It was there in that chair I surrendered years of numbness, a disbelief in love and a hardened heart scarred by pain and disappointment. As the walls around my heart crashed I could feel God's presence all around me. He embraced me in a way only he can and welcomed me back home to him. I didn't know what plans he had for me at the time but I finally gave in to the fact that I could no longer do life without him. I had been crushed by the weight of trying to carry all my burdens on my own and he began teaching me to give those burdens to him instead. Slowly my superficial band-aids were ripped off and he healed my wounded heart. Instead of cold stone he replaced it with a heart on fire for him. 

There are no words to describe how I feel about his relentless pursuit of me. He was with me in each of the sinful places I visited before that day I finally surrendered to him. He was with me as I tried to drown my wounds in alcohol and selfish endeavors to glorify myself. He chased me though I spent years ignoring him, convincing myself my issues were too insignificant for him. He chased me though I acted like I never knew him. He chased me down until I could no longer ignore the songs he played for me, the sunsets he painted and the people he used to remind me that his spirit still lived inside me and that it was me that had pushed him away.

Over the next several months it was I that desperately began chasing him. The more I chased the more he amazed me. He brought love into my life. I met the man that would eventually became my husband. And then I witnessed miracles in my husband's life and was blessed to watch God chase him into the transformation of a lifetime. 

My two sons were brought to salvation. There is no other gift a mother could want more for her children.

He erased debt. He blessed me with friends and mended relationships with family members. 

And then there's this joy. This state of mind and heart that before I didn't know existed. There is no bad circumstance, situation or negativity that can take it away. Joy isn't dependent upon a person or circumstance. It's knowing that despite what's going on around me, good or bad, I have a loving Father that I can cry out to in pain, worship or praise. He is with me through it all, holding my hand and my best interests in his.

I could go on and on about the blessings he has poured out since that day I finally surrendered and then began to chase him. But I won't, instead I'll finish by telling you a short story about circles and oceans.

This past week I spent at a youth camp for our church. Completely out of my comfort zone as I am quite introverted, I did my best to show Jesus to a group of high school girls. One of the last nights we all went outside to an amphitheater by the ocean to sing worship songs together. Surrounded by about 1000 middle and high school kids, my fellow group leaders and others I lifted my hands to heaven and the love being poured out of these kids' hearts for God was tangible. 

And then the song began. The song that played in my car, on my Pandora station, in grocery stores randomly for several weeks that lead up to the day of my surrender. I didn't know the song, I didn't listen to Christian music at the time I first heard it. But it seemed to follow me around and it was the song that played as I sat in that chair at the funeral. It had been Him calling me all along with those lyrics. He knew that music has always spoke to me the most and he used it to call me to himself. 

I stood there as the kids sweet voices harmonized the words. The waves crashing a few feet away. The salty air blowing gently around us. Tears falling in appreciation of where I had been when I first heard that song and where I stood in that moment. Full circle. From dying daily to sin and shame to standing in His mighty presence full of joy and life, surrounded by love and grace. 

"And I will call upon Your name
 And keep my eyes above the waves
 When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
 For I am Yours, and You are mine"

My prayer now is that he continues to lead me where my trust is without borders and that I may go wherever he calls me. I pray my life glorifies him and that maybe one day my life might impact one person in the same way he used someone else to save mine.

I think we forget sometimes just how much we impact others. I hope you know that your life is a powerful testimony and has the power to save others. Share your story. Love out loud. Know that the God of the universe is chasing you and will play songs, paint sunsets and place people in your life to win your heart.