Marriage & Mountains

I stood on the mountain, a chilly breeze blowing hair in my face. I'm quite sure my toes were numb but the excitement I felt inside was enough to warm me from my fingertips to the bottom of my feet. The sun had just began it's slow descent toward the tree tops and from where we stood the glow from the sky seemed to embrace us. Months later I would see the photos the photographers took that day and would notice the rays of light breaking through the clouds, like fingers reaching from the sky to touch us.

Several months before I climbed that mountain my Dad had asked me why I thought this time would be different. What made me think I was ready? He has always been good at encouraging me to think through big decisions before leaping from one thing to the next.

I had not always took his advice and thought things through. Worse, there were several decisions I had made in life apart from God and those decisions had led me to divorce and becoming a single parent. Even worse than that, my sin and walk apart from God had brought my children into a broken home and they deserved better. It's easy for me to blame other people, my own ignorance and all the chaos I allowed in my life at that time but ultimately, the demise of my first marriage is because I never really invited God into it. I wasn't interested in actually walking with Him in life and it actually never occurred to me to seek Him during the time I was struggling in keeping a covenant I made with Him. It's almost silly, really. I made a promise to God and another person and never thought to ask Him to be a part of it. That doesn't make sense, does it?

Brad and I began dating several years after the divorce but only a few weeks after I had surrendered my life to Jesus. I was this raw, new person and all I really knew at first was that I never wanted to leave Him again. I knew that my life would be a chase after Him from that point forward so when Brad came into my life I was both excited and scared. I have always been the kind of person who loves wholeheartedly. I didn't want new, exciting love to distract me from the journey I knew I was on with God. Several weeks into our relationship it was very clear that Bradley was a part of His plan to bring me closer to Him than I had ever been.

It's no accident that God chose marriage as a way to teach us to love like He does. And I really can't thing of something more profound and compelling than God blessing two people with each other and using their life together to demonstrate His own love for us.

Sometimes Bradley will bring me coffee while I'm working on Saturday mornings. In church he will reach for my hand and hold it while we sing worship songs together. On a few occasions he has bought home a bouquet of flowers for no reason other than I just like seeing and smelling them in our home.

Sometimes God will paint radiant pink and blue skies as I'm driving home and I know He knows it brings me joy. The moments I have spent staring at the ocean, in awe of it's power and vastness, is a reminder of His love. The sun that warms my skin and wakes me in the morning is a gift He gives and He knows I will ponder it. He knows I will relish it's warmth and be grateful.

It's those little things that you appreciate, maybe when you're on a walk or just driving home from work alone, that He gives us as if to say, "You see this? I did this for you. I painted this sky in your favorite color because I knew you'd like it."

There are times that Bradley hurts my feelings. He forgets a special event that meant a lot to me or he acts uninterested and gives short responses when I want a full-bodied conversation. There have been a few times I felt a lack of love at all. I imagine the feelings I feel during those times may be how God feels when I ignore Him and the skies he paints for me, when I focus more on things I want to do and less on spending time with Him in prayer. I bet that the One who died for me may be hurt to see me try to control life instead of trusting Him to lead me where He wants me to go. I'm sure it's hurtful when I don't listen to Him, when I don't consider Him in decisions I make or invite Him to the places I go.

And yet He gives me grace every time.

So we are called to do the same for each other. The moments I am feeling most hurt by Bradley because he's forgotten something, ignored a thing I said or just simply didn't consider me when I thought he should have, I remember God's grace that I am given in abundance. It's because of this abundance of grace and love that I have grace and love to give others, especially my husband.

I didn't have to die for Bradley. I am blessed to live life with him. Jesus died for me and yet I struggle to live life for him some days. I'm glad He knew it would be a struggle and decided to bless us with marriage to teach us grace and unconditional love.

Back to the mountain...

As we danced to the wind and the music that was only playing in our minds, I was thinking of that question my Dad had asked me. What was different? Was I ready?

I had invited God to the wedding that day and He showed up in all His glory as only He can. The clouds were lined with gold, the sky a brilliant blue, the air was crisp and the leaves fluttered in flashes of sienna and crimson on the trees. More than the invitation to the wedding, I've held tight to His hand throughout our marriage and hold fast to the promise that I will never let go. When the enemy attacks my marriage His words are my weapons. When I feel the desire to lash out when I've been hurt, I remember that God wants me to respond with grace. This is the difference. God won't bless what you don't invite Him to.

I finally knew what it meant to follow Him. To seek His will, to walk the path He made for me and not the one I created for myself. This is how I knew I was ready.

I knew that marriage would be a lot of mountain tops and valleys and that I would have to keep God the focus in both. I was ready to follow Him, I had accepted that marriage isn't about Brad and I, it's the way our loving Father teaches us to love like He has loved us all and putting that love on display to glorify Him. Unconditional love and grace. I truly can't think of a better wedding gift than that.

Circles and Oceans

Four years ago I sat in a chair at West Ridge Church for the first time with each of my boys by my side at the funeral of an amazing young man that had tragically passed away. His life had impacted many in just a short amount of time and due to the obedience of his spirit my life was one of those impacted. He exuded the love of Jesus and the Holy Spirit flowed from him. He was the first person in many years that I had came in contact with that reminded me what the Holy Spirit felt like and stirred in me a longing for Jesus that I had not felt in a very long time. 

It was there in that chair I surrendered years of numbness, a disbelief in love and a hardened heart scarred by pain and disappointment. As the walls around my heart crashed I could feel God's presence all around me. He embraced me in a way only he can and welcomed me back home to him. I didn't know what plans he had for me at the time but I finally gave in to the fact that I could no longer do life without him. I had been crushed by the weight of trying to carry all my burdens on my own and he began teaching me to give those burdens to him instead. Slowly my superficial band-aids were ripped off and he healed my wounded heart. Instead of cold stone he replaced it with a heart on fire for him. 

There are no words to describe how I feel about his relentless pursuit of me. He was with me in each of the sinful places I visited before that day I finally surrendered to him. He was with me as I tried to drown my wounds in alcohol and selfish endeavors to glorify myself. He chased me though I spent years ignoring him, convincing myself my issues were too insignificant for him. He chased me though I acted like I never knew him. He chased me down until I could no longer ignore the songs he played for me, the sunsets he painted and the people he used to remind me that his spirit still lived inside me and that it was me that had pushed him away.

Over the next several months it was I that desperately began chasing him. The more I chased the more he amazed me. He brought love into my life. I met the man that would eventually became my husband. And then I witnessed miracles in my husband's life and was blessed to watch God chase him into the transformation of a lifetime. 

My two sons were brought to salvation. There is no other gift a mother could want more for her children.

He erased debt. He blessed me with friends and mended relationships with family members. 

And then there's this joy. This state of mind and heart that before I didn't know existed. There is no bad circumstance, situation or negativity that can take it away. Joy isn't dependent upon a person or circumstance. It's knowing that despite what's going on around me, good or bad, I have a loving Father that I can cry out to in pain, worship or praise. He is with me through it all, holding my hand and my best interests in his.

I could go on and on about the blessings he has poured out since that day I finally surrendered and then began to chase him. But I won't, instead I'll finish by telling you a short story about circles and oceans.

This past week I spent at a youth camp for our church. Completely out of my comfort zone as I am quite introverted, I did my best to show Jesus to a group of high school girls. One of the last nights we all went outside to an amphitheater by the ocean to sing worship songs together. Surrounded by about 1000 middle and high school kids, my fellow group leaders and others I lifted my hands to heaven and the love being poured out of these kids' hearts for God was tangible. 

And then the song began. The song that played in my car, on my Pandora station, in grocery stores randomly for several weeks that lead up to the day of my surrender. I didn't know the song, I didn't listen to Christian music at the time I first heard it. But it seemed to follow me around and it was the song that played as I sat in that chair at the funeral. It had been Him calling me all along with those lyrics. He knew that music has always spoke to me the most and he used it to call me to himself. 

I stood there as the kids sweet voices harmonized the words. The waves crashing a few feet away. The salty air blowing gently around us. Tears falling in appreciation of where I had been when I first heard that song and where I stood in that moment. Full circle. From dying daily to sin and shame to standing in His mighty presence full of joy and life, surrounded by love and grace. 

"And I will call upon Your name
 And keep my eyes above the waves
 When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
 For I am Yours, and You are mine"

My prayer now is that he continues to lead me where my trust is without borders and that I may go wherever he calls me. I pray my life glorifies him and that maybe one day my life might impact one person in the same way he used someone else to save mine.

I think we forget sometimes just how much we impact others. I hope you know that your life is a powerful testimony and has the power to save others. Share your story. Love out loud. Know that the God of the universe is chasing you and will play songs, paint sunsets and place people in your life to win your heart.