Breakthrough: My Testimony

I've told short versions of this story a few times on Facebook and Instagram but I've always felt they didn't quite encompass the magnitude of change that occurred within me and in my life at the time. So here, I can go more in depth and I truly hope these words "pay it forward" and someone is changed from it like I was. I used to be afraid to "go tell it on the mountain", but now I am bursting at the seams and I hope to never contain myself. This is my testimony.


I had become a pro at the motions. During the week I submerged myself in motherhood and work. My two boys were top priority as always and little did they know they provided a much needed distraction from the chaos I folded neatly and tucked away in the back of my mind. I had left their father after nearly 6 years of marriage and was stunned that my life had taken the turn it did. In rare, quiet moments I would get overwhelmed with the reality that I was a divorced mother with two little guys who depended on me. I was wrought with thoughts of failure and plagued with guilt that this was the best I could do for them. I had always promised myself that I would never divorce. That no matter what I would find a way to make it work and I would endure whatever pain and loneliness it took to avoid putting my two precious boys through divorce. 

But suddenly there I was. Despite many attempts at saving our marriage I realized there was something missing between us and sadly we never could find what it was. I moved my sweet boys out of the home that they knew and had failed at the one thing I had promised not to. The guilt was heavy and yet every time I looked into their big, blue eyes I felt their unconditional love. I didn't deserve it. 

For a long time I tried to make it up to them. I became obsessed with being as present as possible when I was with them. I wanted to soak up every second, remember every funny thing they said, keep them close and was anxiously aware that my time with them as children would one day be over. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but on the weekends they spent with their father I found myself completely lost. When they weren't there to distract me from all the pain, guilt and fear that I held in my mind I began to look for other distractions.

In my darkest days I found myself in places I would be ashamed for my parents to find me, much less my children. When the boys were away I used alcohol to numb the painful reality that I was a 30-something divorcee. The scarlet letter "D" burned a hole in my heart each time someone would ask me what my marital status was or ask me or the boys "where is your husband/father?" Judgmental comments were overheard many times and often I felt like an inadequate woman whose status only reflected the fact that I was "used goods" with a lot of "baggage". These labels seemed to overshadow the mother I was to my children and the hard work I put in every day to support us on my own. To make myself feel better I entertained relationships that were superficial and after having my heart broken a few times I came to the conclusion that feeling nothing had to be better than feeling anything at all. 

I'm not one to feel sorry for myself so I began strategically numbing myself to all emotion. I carefully built an impenetrable wall around my heart. I distanced myself from friends and family. When someone would mention God I would dismiss the thought that he had nothing better to do than to deal with my mistakes. I had made my bed in life and accepted things the way they were. I truly believed love didn't exist outside of movies and books. I was not happy for my friends and family who proclaimed love for someone, I pitied them for believing in something they would eventually find out to be a lie. During those days my world was very dark and quiet when my children weren't around. Saddest of all, I was perfectly okay with it. I had convinced myself I could do life alone with no help from God, family or friends. Without them, it was easier to deny emotion and that had become the only life I was comfortable living.


Little did I know that while I had let go of God and love, He still had a very firm grip on me.


One day my step-mother suggested a Tae Kwon Do class for the boys and their cousin. She signed them up for a month to try it out and they ended up really enjoying it. So every week I would take them to class and the change I witnessed in them was enough to pull me ever so slightly out of the darkness I had been in for so long. 

I had not realized until they began to develop a relationship with their instructor just how hungry they were for a male leader in their lives. Their little boy hearts grew bigger and they stood taller with each class. Mr. Hicks provided the discipline and confidence they had yearned for that I simply could not provide on my own and I saw them blossom under his guidance for many weeks. Throughout this time I became amazed. They inspired me and slowly I felt warmth flow back into my stone-cold heart each time I saw Mr. Hicks show kindness and love to his students. 

There was a familiarity in his eyes. At first I didn't recognize what it was. It had been so long since I had opened myself up to see Jesus I could hardly make out His light shining through those kind eyes as he taught my boys. 

I remember sitting in that metal chair as my boys kicked and shouted, tears burning my eyes as I held them back, realizing that the same light shining from Mr. Hicks was buried deep somewhere inside me too. The thought scared me and I was afraid to chip away at the wall I had so carefully built the last few years. 

I've always been a huge fan of music. It's been relevant my whole life and often it has been a song that either brought me solace during a difficult time or sometimes ignite something within that brings forth clarity and perspective. During the late days of September and early days of October 2014 it seemed the song"Oceans" by Hillsong United was always playing when I turned on the radio or even when I was in a store or some other place music would be playing in the background. After noticing this a few times I began to listen to the lyrics. I wasn't quite sure I could relate to "Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water, wherever You will call me. Take me deeper than my feet will ever wander...when oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine". It was a beautiful song and I couldn't help but feel the tug in my soul each time I would hear it though I couldn't quite explain why.

One evening as I was preparing dinner for the boys I received an email that said Mr. Hicks had been in a terrible car accident and class had been cancelled. I silently prayed he would be okay and went about the rest of my evening though in the back of my mind I wondered if things were actually going to be okay.

On Friday, October 10th 2014 I received an email that confirmed what all of us parents/students had feared. As I sat my phone down in shock after reading that email "Oceans" began to play on the Pandora station I had been listening to. I fell to my knees in my kitchen floor. It was clear to me in that moment that God was trying to tell me something. I still didn't know what and I didn't understand if it had anything to do with Mr. Hicks. All I knew is that I needed to start listening and the wall had to come down.

On Tuesday, October 14th 2014 my boys and I walked into the doors of West Ridge Church for the first time. I had been in church off and on my whole life but it had been a long time since I had felt the presence of God. As I sat down in my seat it was undeniable that He was there with me. 

Mr. Hicks lay peacefully before us. His family and friends told story after story making it apparent that Jerod Hicks didn't need a eulogy. His life was his eulogy. He left this world a much better place than when he first got here. He was obedient, he was fearless and above all he allowed Christ to shine through him so others could be saved. 

As the service came to an end and they began to move Mr. Hicks' casket out of the room I heard the familiar beginning of the song that had become the theme to those last several days. The hair on my arms stood up and tears flowed freely from my eyes. I surrendered to it all. The wall came crashing down and I sat in that chair in the arms of my two sons weeping in the midst of a love so intense it overcame the years of numbness and brought me out of the dark. I was home. My Father wrapped His arms around me in that chair and it became clear in that moment He had been leading me there for some time. He had never let go. He had never given up. And for the first time in years I felt worthy of love and I believed in it. 

My life has not been the same since.

Breakthrough is the name of Mr. Hicks' Tae Kwon Do school and I don't know what exactly he had in mind when he came up with that, but that place was the catalyst for the biggest breakthrough in my life and the life of my boys. My boys and I knew him as the instructor of that school for 6 months. In just a short time his obedience to God and love for people impacted our lives in ways I could have never imagined. 

I've been attending West Ridge Church ever since that day in October 2014. Soon after that day I realized what those lyrics meant to me. My trust in Him has no borders. In the last few years I have faced situations that have required huge leaps of faith and enormous amounts of trust. Through it all I've kept my eyes on Him and He has constantly reminded me who I belong to. He presented love to me not long after that breakthrough and my feet wandered territory I had once decided to never tread again. God brought Bradley, a man that would later become my husband, into my life and taught me how to love like Jesus through some of the toughest tests of love and faith I have ever experienced. I'm no longer content with being alone and I have an understanding of marriage that I've never had before. My husband and I are members together at West Ridge and have fire in our hearts for Christ. Each day I find myself bursting with love and joy. Instead of walking in darkness, I strive to shine the same light that saved me. 

If you had told me a few years ago life would look like this I wouldn't have believed you. I used to think those passionate hand-raisers in church were strange, now I know where their passion comes from. His love, the relentless pursuit of our hearts and the infallible grace He gives amazes me every day. This must be how David felt when he wrote Psalm 103..."Praise the Lord, my soul...who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion". 

I hope this post somehow conveys His love-that glorious and unfailing love He has for us all and how critical it is for us to fill ourselves up with it so we can give it away. 

A Perfect Day for a Wedding

I had no idea what to expect. 

Bradley and I had agreed to be the subject of a styled shoot for a few photographers who were in need of a couple about to be married. The only requirement was that the wedding be held on a mountaintop and all of the styling was in the hands of the creative people designing the wedding. 

My first thought was this couldn't get any better. Bradley and I spent a lot of our free time climbing mountaintops both literally and figuratively. Being a literary junkie, the symbolism behind climbing a mountaintop to the climax of our relationship was even better than anything I could have imagined for our wedding day. It signified so much of the rugged terrain we had to get through in our lives before we met and the steep hills we climbed in our own relationship to get to the place we are today. 

So after talking it over we agreed that climbing a mountaintop with strangers we had never met to say our vows was exactly what we wanted to do. Unconventional, I know, but we like to do things a bit differently and I've never been the girl who dreamt of a church wedding with hundreds of people looking at me while I poured my heart out to the love of my life. I only needed Bradley and God to attend. The presence of my two precious sons was the icing on the cake.

I woke up Saturday November 12 with nothing but excitement. I wasn't nervous or anxious. I had never doubted or questioned Bradley's placement in my life. I was excited to take his name and become his wife. Nothing else really mattered and that's kind of how I knew this was absolutely the right thing to do. I had no idea what my dress would look like, I had not planned my make-up or hairstyle, there was nothing borrowed or blue. It was absolutely refreshing. My sole focus was what I was about to do, not what I was wearing or what anyone would think of my hair.

What was I about to do? For once in my life I knew exactly what I was doing. I understood the war zone I was walking into and that I stood on the front lines of an epic battle for the human heart, even the ones beating inside Bradley and I. I know the statistics on marriage. I have failed at one myself. That failure has led me to years of research on how to prevent it from happening again. But even through years of reading, hundreds of documentaries and hours of listening to advice from others I discovered the best weapon in this epic battle is something that's been within my reach all along. And we all have access to it.

Jesus.

Oh I know what you're thinking. I'm another one of those religious fanatics that let theology and fantasy cloud my logical thinking. I must be uneducated and a product of my southern culture, right? I can see why someone would be inclined to such a stereotype. The modern media and recent current events easily paint a picture of some followers of Jesus that could be ugly.

But before you write me off allow me to explain how critical Jesus is to the success of marriage. It's really quite simple. 

Love and grace.

Writer John Eldredge explained marriage in terms I had never heard before. He explained marriage as the only way Jesus could make us humans understand his love for us. His love is unconditional. No matter the terrible things we do, the people we hurt, the lies we tell or the unsavory thoughts that plague our minds, He loves us just the same. When we make a mistake and ask for it, He extends His grace. 

And so as husband and wife we are called to do the same. Humans aren't perfect creatures. We try, but really we're all kind of a mess. None of us have it all figured out no matter what we tell ourselves and marriage gives us that partner that helps us sort through the mess. Another human that stays alongside us giving unconditional love and endless grace. How would it ever work if they didn't? Marriage is choosing that messy, beautiful human every day in whatever ugly, smelly, angry, whiny, irresponsible, kind, funny shape we're in that moment. That's what Jesus does for us. 

I wonder sometimes if it's difficult for Him to love us. We get angry about wet towels on the floor and back seat driving, I can only imagine the kind of resentment we would have for our spouse if we died for them and they didn't appreciate it. And yet, Jesus loves us whether we show Him love or not, no matter the sacrifice He has made. Love is entirely selfless. Our love to our spouse must mirror that.

Back to the mountaintop...

We arrived at Arabia mountain around noon. I had never been there before but my earth loving eyes were immediately drawn to it's natural beauty. The mountain is mostly stone and the warm autumn hues of the leaves stood out against the cool, blue rocky surface. As the creative team set up around me the make-up artist got to work on my bare face. Her sweet demeanor and easy conversation made me forget that I had no idea what my face would look like when she finished. For someone who doesn't wear much make-up on a daily basis having someone spend over half an hour applying different creams, powders and lashes to my face made me question if I would even look like the same person when she was finished. 

The dress. It was so beautifully simple. When I saw it I felt a slight longing for something extra. A sash? Some color? Sparkle? Then the photographer told me there was no room in which I could change so I would be changing in the woods. No worries though because she and a few of the other women would hold blankets so no one would see me undress. This was becoming even more of an adventure than I had expected!

So we walked into the woods and I slowly and bashfully undressed hoping none of the other women were judging my imperfections as I exposed my skin to the cold wind and slipped on that silk dress. 

It fit like it was made for me. And I could breathe, which is always a concern with wedding dresses. There was no mirror. I did not know what my hair looked like, if my make-up was what I had expected or if my body looked as good as it felt in that dress. And I was okay with that. None of that really mattered for once. I put on my shoes, grabbed the gorgeous autumn bouquet and walked across that big rock and lightly tapped Bradley's shoulder. The moment he turned around our eyes met and I felt the last two years we had spent together fall into place. 

The boys, the team of photographers, our Pastor, Bradley and I began the walk up the mountain. My mind was flooded with happiness, joy, love and an extremely strong sense of arriving to a place God had intended me to be. I was so overwhelmed with this feeling that I hiked up the entire mountain in my heels and didn't feel one bit of discomfort. 

As we reached the top the scene that came into view took my breath away. Blue sky for as far as the eye could see, brilliantly colored tree tops and sunlight beaming through the thin clouds shining a golden glow all around us. It was grande. Grander than any man-made structure I could have chose myself. 

It became more clear than ever before that the last several years of my life had led me to that moment. All the struggles, the heart break, the renewal of faith, the realization of true love, the brutal attacks Bradley and I had endured on our own relationship, the many lessons learned-it all led us to this moment. 

I vowed my life and unconditional love to Bradley that evening with a complete understanding of what love is and what it is not.

Love is not a dress or a ring, it is not a convenience, it is not always easy, it is not a means to selfish fulfillment. 

Love is a choice. Love is an action. Love just does, without end.

                              Photo: Debbie Neff Photography

                      

**Side note: I would like to recommend two books that truly helped me on my personal journey to understanding what love is. If you are married or think you want to be one day these are well worth a read.

Love Does by Bob Goff

Love and War by John and Staci Eldredge