These words and thoughts have been on my mind for years. They float around among the more organized content in my brain and I've been too...scared? proud? to acknowledge them enough to put them in their place. Lately the need to catch them all and file them neatly in my mind has been greater than usual. My hope is that if you are someone that has went through divorce, you can maybe relate and the guilt and shame doesn't feel as heavy because you realize you're not alone in your feelings and thoughts. If you're someone who may be considering divorce, I hope these words at least give you pause. These are things I've experienced that would have made me think twice about ending my marriage.
I also feel it necessary to say that if you're in an abusive marriage or one that is afflicted with infidelity, your situation needs special care and I want to be up front and say my previous marriage had neither abuse or infidelity. I hope this clarifies my perspective and where I'm coming from as I write this. With that said, I've seen marriages rise above the ashes of infidelity and truly believe there is hope in every situation.
These are truths that I have experienced that I have wished someone would have discussed with me over a cup of coffee before I signed the line that turned a covenant into a broken promise. For my friends considering divorce, I want these words to be a way for me to hold your hand down a different path than the one I've traveled. I want these words to be an encouragement not to give up just yet and see that maybe the grass isn't as green as you may think on the other side of that dotted line.
The Scarlet Letter "D" - What Comes After
1) Complete independence and single parenting requires an extreme amount of work and energy. Though I was physically capable of working full time to support me and my children, keeping a household, making meals, getting us to appointments, grocery shopping, completing house and yard maintenance and spending intentional time with my children I quickly realized why this is all best done by two people and not one. Things broke and stayed broken, I traded work and home repairs for precious time with my kids, I forgot about school projects and missed special events because I had to work long hours to pay the bills. I had no idea just how hard doing the work of two people truly was.
2) Though we live in a culture that boasts itself to be open-minded these days, I realized quickly that the Scarlet Letter D truly was a brand I wore that carried with it shame, disapproval and a declaration of a brokenness I was not yet aware of in myself. There were more than a few times I was told that I would be great "relationship material" if only I wasn't divorced. I felt as if I was a broken thing that no one had the time or interest to piece back together, even before I realized anything was broken.
3) Loneliness is something I denied myself at first but over time sunk deeply into my heart once I realized I was "used goods" that had lost her value. This made it easy for me to numb myself in defense of getting my feelings hurt and soon I had convinced myself I needed no one and life would be just fine shutting out anyone who tried to get in. I built a strong wall around myself and any relationships after that became superficial because I didn't trust anyone to actually value me since I had become convinced I wasn't valuable with that Scarlet Letter D burning a whole through my chest.
4) The picture of the beautiful life that starts once you've ended a bad marriage and removed yourself from the presence of someone who makes you unhappy is an illusion. Let me say that again. The idea you have in your mind of joyous independence, the ability to do life your own way and everlasting happiness outside of the covenant you made with God and your spouse is a lie. After the initial excitement of newfound freedom wears off you realize that everything is more difficult. Parenting, paying bills, finding time outside of work and responsibilities becomes a huge struggle. Divorce is something you do to maybe make your life better, but in actuality is something that requires you to give more of yourself away. The chaos that often follows a divorce chews you up and spits you out and leaves you wondering who you really are and what was it that you wanted out of this in the first place?
5) By far the most difficult and hurtful truth of all is that I experienced and witnessed the pain my children went through because of divorce. I can truly and emphatically say that any pain or neglect I felt in my first marriage doesn't compare to the pain of my two little boys asking why their parents don't love each other looking at me with those big, blue innocent eyes. To get divorced is to take a picture of what your children know to be security and love and rip it apart leaving them with the task to create a different painting of what family should look like. There is no reasonable explanation I can offer them. Any pain or hardship I experienced because of the divorce my children experienced tenfold and one sad day the realization sunk in that my choice is what caused their undeserving pain. Though their Dad and I have an amicable relationship and have done a decent job of co-parenting, this is not the life we promised our children the day they were born. Even after almost a decade, my boys still ask me why their Dad and I couldn't stay married and there is nothing I can offer them that even feels like a valid answer. How can you explain to a child that a sacred covenant you made with God can be broken by a simple swipe of a pen? How can I explain to them that something that was meant to be permanent fell apart because I got my feelings hurt? How can I explain to them I gave up on something because I valued my happiness over theirs? Though I know God has forgiven me of this, I still struggle daily with forgiving myself and only hope that I will earn my children's forgiveness when they are old enough to fully understand the concept of marriage and divorce. I also live with fear that they will allow their own marriages to fall apart because this is the first model of marriage that they witnessed. I go to great lengths now to help them understand the beautiful, sometimes heart-wrenching, amazing, difficult, lifelong journey that marriage is supposed to be. I got it wrong the first time and I will spend the rest of my life trying to get it right.
I know these are things no one really says or talks about when it comes to marriage and divorce but these are words that may have saved my first marriage had I heard them and opened my mind to the possibility that divorce wasn't the best answer to my unhappiness and discontent. My intention here is that these words give hope to those struggling in their marriage; divorce isn't the only answer. If you're in the aftermath of divorce my hope is that you are made aware that grace is within reach-you don't have to carry The Scarlet Letter D of shame on your chest; you are loved and valued.
I'll write next on how I began to overcome shame, received grace and learned what marriage truly is as a blended family.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Crash Into Me
My husband and I attended a wedding this weekend. It was his first experience as a groomsman and being the kind of guy that enjoys a suit and a celebration the excitement of the day fared well with him. As he was busy doing the things groomsmen do during a wedding ceremony I sat with our family and chatted about the love between our two friends and how beautiful the day had turned out to be.
The weather man had predicted rain but we sat under a sky full of sunshine and a slightly warm wind. Sometimes March days in Georgia can be pleasantly surprising. As I listened to the preacher talk about how Earthly marriage mirrors that of Christ and His bride, the church, my mind wandered around all the ways marriage will truly teach you the practice of unconditional love, the kind of love Jesus has for us.
My husband and I have been through some tough seasons in our short two and a half years of marriage. Shortly after we were married he was diagnosed with bi-polar depression(I say this with his permission). If you know anyone who suffers from this disease, or any mental illness for that matter, you know it can be soul-wrenching attack on the person suffering from it. I have seen my husband wrestle with darkness so consuming I thought it was going to take me too. For those who don't know the afflictions of depression, the best way I can describe it is to tell you about a movie I loved as a child. It was called The Neverending Story and in this movie a little boy is reading a book and gets so caught up in the story he becomes a part of it. The story's hero, Atreyu, is tasked with saving the world by fighting The Nothing, a dark entity represented by clouds and an evil wolf-like animal that kills and destroys everything it comes in contact with. Depression is so much like The Nothing. You never know when it's all consuming cloud of darkness will settle in the mind of the afflicted and as it torments and tears apart the one you love, you try desperately to fight a "nothing" that you can't get your hands on. I've witnessed my husband become so exhausted with fighting this "nothing" that he wanted to give up. These type of things can make dark seasons in a marriage.
Yet there is always light.
There are a lot of things I've learned from living with someone with depression and one of those things is to really soak in the light when it comes. Sometimes the light sticks around for a long time, sometimes long enough that the darkness becomes a distant memory in the back of my mind. My husband and I have had a good stretch of those days lately and just like that surprising March sunshine we experienced this weekend I have soaked in these good days and know that despite visits from darkness the light will always come.
I had hardly seen Bradley(my husband) for two days as we worked our full time jobs and he prepared for the wedding. Our children were away for the weekend and I was looking forward to seeing him. I've never seen a man wear a suit like my husband. He is dashing, complete confidence from head to toe and his bright smile finishes off the look of a man I could have only dreamed would end up being mine.
I stood at the bar waiting in line as the reception started. I still had only caught a glimpse of him as he escorted a bridesmaid, took pictures with the wedding party and stood far away enough for me to catch that trademark smile. I was anxious to be near him. I felt a hand around my waist and there he was. He is so handsome I have to catch my breath. Butterflies flutter in my belly. His familiar smell sweet in my nose. I want to breathe all of him in. The Dave Matthews song 'Crash Into Me' begins playing in my mind and for two seconds no one exists but us. Yes, even after five years together I still feel this. I feel the magnetic force closing in the space between us when we're apart. I have seen the darkness behind that brilliant smile and love him all the same.
Love is dark and light. Marriage is harsh winters, bone cold in their loneliness and desolation and it is also warm sunshine, love songs and sweet breezes filling the air with the scent of your beloved. It is all of these things.
I soaked in the light that day. I'm still soaking it in. I'm thanking God for these moments, for this man I get to call my husband, for those arms that hold me at night and the love I get to carry with me when the world gets dark and the nothing returns for us to once again remind it that we are fearless fighters with God and love on our side.
"The Lord is my Light and Salvation;whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1
Friday, February 15, 2019
Relentless Pursuit: The Chase for my Heart
It was early 2014 and I was tired. During the week I struggled to feel like a good Mom to my boys. I spent a lot of weekends drinking and spending time in places that oozed sin and brokenness. On occasion I would go to church but I spent most of the sermon trying not to fall asleep after staying up too late on Saturday night sacrificing sleep for a dysfunctional social life. At one of my lowest points while my boys were away at their Dad's, I had a friend I was with drop me off at my car and I slept in the church parking lot from about 4am until the next Sunday morning because I was too tired to drive home and shower before church the next day. Even in that season of darkness I think I was drawn to church because I knew I needed God in my life even though I kept him at a comfortable distance so I could continue living how I wanted without feeling convicted that I wasn't living how I should. Deep within I knew I needed Him but I just wasn't ready to face who I had become. I wasn't ready to face who He is.
Love was a word that left a bitter taste in my mouth. I scoffed at the thought. For several years I remained single after my divorce and though I dated, each experience only solidified the lies that the enemy fed into my mind and I readily digested. Love didn't exist. Love wasn't real. If it was real, I didn't deserve it. Men were only interested in my body and since a body is all I saw myself to be that's what I focused on.
I trained relentlessly in 2013-14. I hired a coach and threw myself into powerlifting. If you're not familiar with the sport it essentially focuses on how much weight you can lift in three compound movements: the squat, deadlift and bench press. I was such a mess on the inside I became obsessed with making myself strong on the outside. During this time I was the healthiest physically I have ever been in my life. I was confident and the attention I was given fueled an unsavory lack of clothing and a harvest of selfies on my social media. On one hand I was riding the "I am woman, hear me roar" train and was proud that I was part of a movement that crushed stereotypes that women couldn't be as strong as men. Often I would be in the weight room lifting significantly more than my male counterparts. It felt good to be an athlete that crossed gender lines in a sport originally made for men. On top of that I never met a fellow male powerlifter that wasn't completely supportive of women in the sport. I was always treated as an equal at the powerlifting gym I trained at and was never made to feel less than. This wasn't a bad thing. I still love this about the sport. On the other hand, I was becoming too focused on myself. My boys would do their homework at the gym while I trained. My clothing got smaller, tighter and shorter and my head got bigger. The more attention I got the more I wanted. I was starving for it but no matter how much I was given it didn't satisfy. I was desperately trying to fill an emptiness and didn't even realize it at the time. So there I went, filling myself up with self love, occasional weekends of alcohol, superficial relationships, lies about love. Anything but God.
No, I couldn't go to Him. I was a mess. What would He want with me? I was okay with the idea of Him loving me as only He could, but from a distance.
In the later half of 2014 I felt a stirring within me. It took several months for me to fully understand what it was. I was exhausted. Keeping up with my training schedule was becoming too much of a sacrifice and I began to realize it was taking too much precious time away from my growing boys. Although my nutrition was great and I was taking care of my body in the gym, I wasn't getting near enough sleep and spending too many weekends out at nightclubs or parties drinking when the boys weren't home. Add to this a full time job and I was coming to the end of my energy supply. As I began to eliminate some of this grueling schedule that's when I began to feel a shift. Other things in my life began to happen and eventually my path changed. (You can read more about my full testimony and what would eventually be the catalyst to my complete transformation in my earlier post 'Breakthrough: My Testimony').
When I finally realized the vacancy in my soul belonged to God and not all the other things I was trying to shove in there a crazy thing happened. He started to chase me. Not in a weird, stalker after prey kind of way, but in the way a sincere and honorable man chases his beloved, the one who holds his heart in her hands.
He knows I love music. After all, he put that love in my heart when he made me. He knows I feel melodies and harmonies in the depths of my being. When I close my eyes I can see undulating waves of sound. I've done this since I was a little girl. For months before I finally surrendered to Him he would play Oceans by Hillsong United everywhere! I would go to a store, there it was. I would turn on Pandora, there it was. I would wake to a radio alarm, there it was. At first it didn't make sense. What was He trying to tell me? Later I would realize how those lyrics applied to my life.
I've always been amazed at sunsets/sunrises and a cotton candy sky. So many mornings and nights I would wake or drive home underneath the most beautiful skies. They were magnificent! I could feel His glory as I looked up at them. Song after song, sunset after sunset I began to realize He was after my heart. Like a groom gifting his bride with flowers and jewelry, here God was showing out with these over the top skies because He knew I loved them so. He made playlists of songs just for us and slowly my heart began to respond.
Sound crazy? What do you think a girl who thinks love doesn't exist thought about all this? I was in shock. ME ?! You did all this for me?? But I ignored you for years! I pushed you away! I idolized myself and many other things over You! There is literally a million other humans that have lived in less sin and are worthy of all this attention, why would You pick me to be Yours after all I've done??
But He did. And He still does. And He wants you too. Matter of fact, I bet He's chasing you right now. You know those things you notice in the mundane moments of life? Those things you really enjoy and marvel at, the ones that make you smile? That's Him. What does He want with you? Your heart. He wants you to be His. Not in a possessive controlling way but in the way that when life gets really hard(and it will if it isn't already, trust me) that you will lean into Him because He knows He's the only One that can help you through those valleys. He knows you're broken and all the things you've ever done and yet He wants to love you with an everlasting love. He wants to be for you everything this world and all it offers just cannot be. He wants to be your rest when you're exhausted. He wants to be the Father you never had. Beautiful girl, He wants to be the reason you don't have to wear that dress that shows every curve and incites fantasies in the men you meet so you feel worthy and captivating(I've been this girl, too). He wants to give you eyes that see because when you let Him love you, the world in all it's darkness becomes a brighter place under the light of His glory. He wants to overfill any empty spaces so you can go out and give that love to others who don't yet know that this Love exists. He's got a great plan for you and He's waiting to tell you all about it.
And here's the thing I wrestled with and finally had to realize, I couldn't believe in God and not believe in Love. Love exists. It always has. Love isn't the sum of your human experience either. Love has much less to do with how other humans have shown you love and everything to do with who God is. Don't let humans define your idea of Love. They will fail every time. And that's okay, because we're not built to carry the glory of what Love is. Let God carry the glory for that. He's really good at it and He will never falter under the heaviness of what Love requires sometimes.
My relationship with God today is so different than I ever imagined. I think I grew up with this idea that He was this big entity that I couldn't touch. Yet today we have a closeness I would have never expected. The longer I walk with Him the better I can discern His voice. Though the last few years of my life I've went through some tremendous hardship, He has been with me through it all and I know I wouldn't have survived it without Him. He has mended my wounds and been here to console my bruised and battered heart. He has reminded me that I am His and He is mine(lyrics from Oceans that are engraved in my heart from the start of all this).
I'll end this post with a song He gave to me a while ago. It's lyrics are powerful and when I listen to this I can feel His loving arms reminding me how in love He is and has always been with me. With all of us. We are the Bride and He is the relentless pursuer, the chaser of our hearts, the Groom we were made for. Let Him love you, friends.
Love was a word that left a bitter taste in my mouth. I scoffed at the thought. For several years I remained single after my divorce and though I dated, each experience only solidified the lies that the enemy fed into my mind and I readily digested. Love didn't exist. Love wasn't real. If it was real, I didn't deserve it. Men were only interested in my body and since a body is all I saw myself to be that's what I focused on.
I trained relentlessly in 2013-14. I hired a coach and threw myself into powerlifting. If you're not familiar with the sport it essentially focuses on how much weight you can lift in three compound movements: the squat, deadlift and bench press. I was such a mess on the inside I became obsessed with making myself strong on the outside. During this time I was the healthiest physically I have ever been in my life. I was confident and the attention I was given fueled an unsavory lack of clothing and a harvest of selfies on my social media. On one hand I was riding the "I am woman, hear me roar" train and was proud that I was part of a movement that crushed stereotypes that women couldn't be as strong as men. Often I would be in the weight room lifting significantly more than my male counterparts. It felt good to be an athlete that crossed gender lines in a sport originally made for men. On top of that I never met a fellow male powerlifter that wasn't completely supportive of women in the sport. I was always treated as an equal at the powerlifting gym I trained at and was never made to feel less than. This wasn't a bad thing. I still love this about the sport. On the other hand, I was becoming too focused on myself. My boys would do their homework at the gym while I trained. My clothing got smaller, tighter and shorter and my head got bigger. The more attention I got the more I wanted. I was starving for it but no matter how much I was given it didn't satisfy. I was desperately trying to fill an emptiness and didn't even realize it at the time. So there I went, filling myself up with self love, occasional weekends of alcohol, superficial relationships, lies about love. Anything but God.
No, I couldn't go to Him. I was a mess. What would He want with me? I was okay with the idea of Him loving me as only He could, but from a distance.
In the later half of 2014 I felt a stirring within me. It took several months for me to fully understand what it was. I was exhausted. Keeping up with my training schedule was becoming too much of a sacrifice and I began to realize it was taking too much precious time away from my growing boys. Although my nutrition was great and I was taking care of my body in the gym, I wasn't getting near enough sleep and spending too many weekends out at nightclubs or parties drinking when the boys weren't home. Add to this a full time job and I was coming to the end of my energy supply. As I began to eliminate some of this grueling schedule that's when I began to feel a shift. Other things in my life began to happen and eventually my path changed. (You can read more about my full testimony and what would eventually be the catalyst to my complete transformation in my earlier post 'Breakthrough: My Testimony').
When I finally realized the vacancy in my soul belonged to God and not all the other things I was trying to shove in there a crazy thing happened. He started to chase me. Not in a weird, stalker after prey kind of way, but in the way a sincere and honorable man chases his beloved, the one who holds his heart in her hands.
He knows I love music. After all, he put that love in my heart when he made me. He knows I feel melodies and harmonies in the depths of my being. When I close my eyes I can see undulating waves of sound. I've done this since I was a little girl. For months before I finally surrendered to Him he would play Oceans by Hillsong United everywhere! I would go to a store, there it was. I would turn on Pandora, there it was. I would wake to a radio alarm, there it was. At first it didn't make sense. What was He trying to tell me? Later I would realize how those lyrics applied to my life.
I've always been amazed at sunsets/sunrises and a cotton candy sky. So many mornings and nights I would wake or drive home underneath the most beautiful skies. They were magnificent! I could feel His glory as I looked up at them. Song after song, sunset after sunset I began to realize He was after my heart. Like a groom gifting his bride with flowers and jewelry, here God was showing out with these over the top skies because He knew I loved them so. He made playlists of songs just for us and slowly my heart began to respond.
Sound crazy? What do you think a girl who thinks love doesn't exist thought about all this? I was in shock. ME ?! You did all this for me?? But I ignored you for years! I pushed you away! I idolized myself and many other things over You! There is literally a million other humans that have lived in less sin and are worthy of all this attention, why would You pick me to be Yours after all I've done??
But He did. And He still does. And He wants you too. Matter of fact, I bet He's chasing you right now. You know those things you notice in the mundane moments of life? Those things you really enjoy and marvel at, the ones that make you smile? That's Him. What does He want with you? Your heart. He wants you to be His. Not in a possessive controlling way but in the way that when life gets really hard(and it will if it isn't already, trust me) that you will lean into Him because He knows He's the only One that can help you through those valleys. He knows you're broken and all the things you've ever done and yet He wants to love you with an everlasting love. He wants to be for you everything this world and all it offers just cannot be. He wants to be your rest when you're exhausted. He wants to be the Father you never had. Beautiful girl, He wants to be the reason you don't have to wear that dress that shows every curve and incites fantasies in the men you meet so you feel worthy and captivating(I've been this girl, too). He wants to give you eyes that see because when you let Him love you, the world in all it's darkness becomes a brighter place under the light of His glory. He wants to overfill any empty spaces so you can go out and give that love to others who don't yet know that this Love exists. He's got a great plan for you and He's waiting to tell you all about it.
And here's the thing I wrestled with and finally had to realize, I couldn't believe in God and not believe in Love. Love exists. It always has. Love isn't the sum of your human experience either. Love has much less to do with how other humans have shown you love and everything to do with who God is. Don't let humans define your idea of Love. They will fail every time. And that's okay, because we're not built to carry the glory of what Love is. Let God carry the glory for that. He's really good at it and He will never falter under the heaviness of what Love requires sometimes.
My relationship with God today is so different than I ever imagined. I think I grew up with this idea that He was this big entity that I couldn't touch. Yet today we have a closeness I would have never expected. The longer I walk with Him the better I can discern His voice. Though the last few years of my life I've went through some tremendous hardship, He has been with me through it all and I know I wouldn't have survived it without Him. He has mended my wounds and been here to console my bruised and battered heart. He has reminded me that I am His and He is mine(lyrics from Oceans that are engraved in my heart from the start of all this).
I'll end this post with a song He gave to me a while ago. It's lyrics are powerful and when I listen to this I can feel His loving arms reminding me how in love He is and has always been with me. With all of us. We are the Bride and He is the relentless pursuer, the chaser of our hearts, the Groom we were made for. Let Him love you, friends.
Well, I don't know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren't enough for me to prove to you
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you, and I always will
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you, and I always will
Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away, I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you