These words and thoughts have been on my mind for years. They float around among the more organized content in my brain and I've been too...scared? proud? to acknowledge them enough to put them in their place. Lately the need to catch them all and file them neatly in my mind has been greater than usual. My hope is that if you are someone that has went through divorce, you can maybe relate and the guilt and shame doesn't feel as heavy because you realize you're not alone in your feelings and thoughts. If you're someone who may be considering divorce, I hope these words at least give you pause. These are things I've experienced that would have made me think twice about ending my marriage.
I also feel it necessary to say that if you're in an abusive marriage or one that is afflicted with infidelity, your situation needs special care and I want to be up front and say my previous marriage had neither abuse or infidelity. I hope this clarifies my perspective and where I'm coming from as I write this. With that said, I've seen marriages rise above the ashes of infidelity and truly believe there is hope in every situation.
These are truths that I have experienced that I have wished someone would have discussed with me over a cup of coffee before I signed the line that turned a covenant into a broken promise. For my friends considering divorce, I want these words to be a way for me to hold your hand down a different path than the one I've traveled. I want these words to be an encouragement not to give up just yet and see that maybe the grass isn't as green as you may think on the other side of that dotted line.
The Scarlet Letter "D" - What Comes After
1) Complete independence and single parenting requires an extreme amount of work and energy. Though I was physically capable of working full time to support me and my children, keeping a household, making meals, getting us to appointments, grocery shopping, completing house and yard maintenance and spending intentional time with my children I quickly realized why this is all best done by two people and not one. Things broke and stayed broken, I traded work and home repairs for precious time with my kids, I forgot about school projects and missed special events because I had to work long hours to pay the bills. I had no idea just how hard doing the work of two people truly was.
2) Though we live in a culture that boasts itself to be open-minded these days, I realized quickly that the Scarlet Letter D truly was a brand I wore that carried with it shame, disapproval and a declaration of a brokenness I was not yet aware of in myself. There were more than a few times I was told that I would be great "relationship material" if only I wasn't divorced. I felt as if I was a broken thing that no one had the time or interest to piece back together, even before I realized anything was broken.
3) Loneliness is something I denied myself at first but over time sunk deeply into my heart once I realized I was "used goods" that had lost her value. This made it easy for me to numb myself in defense of getting my feelings hurt and soon I had convinced myself I needed no one and life would be just fine shutting out anyone who tried to get in. I built a strong wall around myself and any relationships after that became superficial because I didn't trust anyone to actually value me since I had become convinced I wasn't valuable with that Scarlet Letter D burning a whole through my chest.
4) The picture of the beautiful life that starts once you've ended a bad marriage and removed yourself from the presence of someone who makes you unhappy is an illusion. Let me say that again. The idea you have in your mind of joyous independence, the ability to do life your own way and everlasting happiness outside of the covenant you made with God and your spouse is a lie. After the initial excitement of newfound freedom wears off you realize that everything is more difficult. Parenting, paying bills, finding time outside of work and responsibilities becomes a huge struggle. Divorce is something you do to maybe make your life better, but in actuality is something that requires you to give more of yourself away. The chaos that often follows a divorce chews you up and spits you out and leaves you wondering who you really are and what was it that you wanted out of this in the first place?
5) By far the most difficult and hurtful truth of all is that I experienced and witnessed the pain my children went through because of divorce. I can truly and emphatically say that any pain or neglect I felt in my first marriage doesn't compare to the pain of my two little boys asking why their parents don't love each other looking at me with those big, blue innocent eyes. To get divorced is to take a picture of what your children know to be security and love and rip it apart leaving them with the task to create a different painting of what family should look like. There is no reasonable explanation I can offer them. Any pain or hardship I experienced because of the divorce my children experienced tenfold and one sad day the realization sunk in that my choice is what caused their undeserving pain. Though their Dad and I have an amicable relationship and have done a decent job of co-parenting, this is not the life we promised our children the day they were born. Even after almost a decade, my boys still ask me why their Dad and I couldn't stay married and there is nothing I can offer them that even feels like a valid answer. How can you explain to a child that a sacred covenant you made with God can be broken by a simple swipe of a pen? How can I explain to them that something that was meant to be permanent fell apart because I got my feelings hurt? How can I explain to them I gave up on something because I valued my happiness over theirs? Though I know God has forgiven me of this, I still struggle daily with forgiving myself and only hope that I will earn my children's forgiveness when they are old enough to fully understand the concept of marriage and divorce. I also live with fear that they will allow their own marriages to fall apart because this is the first model of marriage that they witnessed. I go to great lengths now to help them understand the beautiful, sometimes heart-wrenching, amazing, difficult, lifelong journey that marriage is supposed to be. I got it wrong the first time and I will spend the rest of my life trying to get it right.
I know these are things no one really says or talks about when it comes to marriage and divorce but these are words that may have saved my first marriage had I heard them and opened my mind to the possibility that divorce wasn't the best answer to my unhappiness and discontent. My intention here is that these words give hope to those struggling in their marriage; divorce isn't the only answer. If you're in the aftermath of divorce my hope is that you are made aware that grace is within reach-you don't have to carry The Scarlet Letter D of shame on your chest; you are loved and valued.
I'll write next on how I began to overcome shame, received grace and learned what marriage truly is as a blended family.