My husband and I attended a wedding this weekend. It was his first experience as a groomsman and being the kind of guy that enjoys a suit and a celebration the excitement of the day fared well with him. As he was busy doing the things groomsmen do during a wedding ceremony I sat with our family and chatted about the love between our two friends and how beautiful the day had turned out to be.
The weather man had predicted rain but we sat under a sky full of sunshine and a slightly warm wind. Sometimes March days in Georgia can be pleasantly surprising. As I listened to the preacher talk about how Earthly marriage mirrors that of Christ and His bride, the church, my mind wandered around all the ways marriage will truly teach you the practice of unconditional love, the kind of love Jesus has for us.
My husband and I have been through some tough seasons in our short two and a half years of marriage. Shortly after we were married he was diagnosed with bi-polar depression(I say this with his permission). If you know anyone who suffers from this disease, or any mental illness for that matter, you know it can be soul-wrenching attack on the person suffering from it. I have seen my husband wrestle with darkness so consuming I thought it was going to take me too. For those who don't know the afflictions of depression, the best way I can describe it is to tell you about a movie I loved as a child. It was called The Neverending Story and in this movie a little boy is reading a book and gets so caught up in the story he becomes a part of it. The story's hero, Atreyu, is tasked with saving the world by fighting The Nothing, a dark entity represented by clouds and an evil wolf-like animal that kills and destroys everything it comes in contact with. Depression is so much like The Nothing. You never know when it's all consuming cloud of darkness will settle in the mind of the afflicted and as it torments and tears apart the one you love, you try desperately to fight a "nothing" that you can't get your hands on. I've witnessed my husband become so exhausted with fighting this "nothing" that he wanted to give up. These type of things can make dark seasons in a marriage.
Yet there is always light.
There are a lot of things I've learned from living with someone with depression and one of those things is to really soak in the light when it comes. Sometimes the light sticks around for a long time, sometimes long enough that the darkness becomes a distant memory in the back of my mind. My husband and I have had a good stretch of those days lately and just like that surprising March sunshine we experienced this weekend I have soaked in these good days and know that despite visits from darkness the light will always come.
I had hardly seen Bradley(my husband) for two days as we worked our full time jobs and he prepared for the wedding. Our children were away for the weekend and I was looking forward to seeing him. I've never seen a man wear a suit like my husband. He is dashing, complete confidence from head to toe and his bright smile finishes off the look of a man I could have only dreamed would end up being mine.
I stood at the bar waiting in line as the reception started. I still had only caught a glimpse of him as he escorted a bridesmaid, took pictures with the wedding party and stood far away enough for me to catch that trademark smile. I was anxious to be near him. I felt a hand around my waist and there he was. He is so handsome I have to catch my breath. Butterflies flutter in my belly. His familiar smell sweet in my nose. I want to breathe all of him in. The Dave Matthews song 'Crash Into Me' begins playing in my mind and for two seconds no one exists but us. Yes, even after five years together I still feel this. I feel the magnetic force closing in the space between us when we're apart. I have seen the darkness behind that brilliant smile and love him all the same.
Love is dark and light. Marriage is harsh winters, bone cold in their loneliness and desolation and it is also warm sunshine, love songs and sweet breezes filling the air with the scent of your beloved. It is all of these things.
I soaked in the light that day. I'm still soaking it in. I'm thanking God for these moments, for this man I get to call my husband, for those arms that hold me at night and the love I get to carry with me when the world gets dark and the nothing returns for us to once again remind it that we are fearless fighters with God and love on our side.
"The Lord is my Light and Salvation;whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1
